exam diaries: one month to go and i'm lost
my exams are in a month now. here are my thoughts.
(for context, i'm self studying so i've basically taught myself all the material etc. and i just felt like dumping everything so here you go):
- i'm doing past papers but not getting the marks i want. i'm geting around 60% on most subjects. but grades have been easy to get all the years before this so i feel like i'm guaranteed to get A/A*s you know? i've gone 'oh it's alright i'll do it later/when i get this burst of motivation' for two years. and it's true, i have done coursework at the last minute/when that burst does come but... it was quite lat you know? exams are in october and i meant to start revising in january, then april, then june. i ended up starting in late july/august and STILL have coursework left to do (which i will now rush through to focus on revision). so, you see how it is.
- i have been consistently studying for the past few weeks but it's really not doing much. i don't really look back at my mistakes after marking my papers and so i don't really know how to move forward. i started doing a bit of that last week so let's hope it carries on. i should also mention that this consistent studying would be a great thing if it was actually getting me somewhere, the way i've been able to truly focus on what i'm doing would've been so useful a few months back too. so i'm doing something i would normally be thumped about but it's too late to mean anything now.
- i went straight from coursework to papers without doing any 'revision' (reading the textbook, making revision notes, etc). so that's why i really need to be getting the most out of the papers i do and really internalise my mistakes. but i just feel like i'm not doing that.
- i don't want to let my parents down. or the rest of my family/their friends. everyone has been saying i'll do good, i'm capable of getting good grades, etc. so i just feel like i'm wasting my potential? my parents especially have done SO much, and i really really wish i could do better now so they don't have to stress about me as much.
- i still look forward to having fun, taking days off. sundays are my 'free day' of the week now and i honestly feel a bit guilty for throwing them off, and for the enthusiasm that i have. i know it's normal but at this point should i really be wasting off even more time like this? the most absurd thing is that i would plan stuff to do for enjoyment- like what i'm going to be reading next, how long i can sleep in on the day etc. it's horrible.
- old classmates and people on social media make this worse. people i used to easily top in class have done their exams and have got like 10 As or something, i don't even know. and those study influencers. i don't know how much is fake and how much is real, but they seem to be somewhere. in some prestigious university, studying until the ice melts or whatever. and i'm still here. i try to laugh it off or tell myself it's not real, and proceed to go about my day doing the same things i always do.
- i feel like i'm not panicking/stressing enough. my parents are, my mum definitely is. i know it may look like i am stressed, and i am right now. and when i do think about exams. but mostly they are in the back of my mind and i feel a deep sense of dread in my heart when i do think about them. when i'm not i'm just... normal, i guess.
anyways, this post is already pretty long, and i should really stop there. i'm not going to re read this so i hope it's not too confusing. and if you did read through the whole thing i do apologise- you probably have bigger problems to deal with and just had to go through me whining on.